Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
