Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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