You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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