I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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