You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
