This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
