I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
And then he peed in my hair
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