I wanna bring you to show and tell
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
