Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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