i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
