Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
