Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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