mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
