just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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