Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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