If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
