Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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