I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
