you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize