im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
