lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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