I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize