Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
