its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i think my cat just said my name.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
