hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize
