his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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