pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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