Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
