Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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