I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
