i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
