Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize