My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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