Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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