i don't like sucking hair
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
50% drunk capacity currently
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
