im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
