I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize