I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
