you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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