I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
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