Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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