Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
