I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
how drunk are you?
Several
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
