I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize