I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
