I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize