erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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