Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
