the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
