my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
