He had one of those small greek statue penises
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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