So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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