I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
