I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
