Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
