I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
