Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
