Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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