i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The best revenge is premature balding
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
