Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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