apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
