When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
